Gathered here in one convenient place are my recent trình làng that awarded films Two Stars or less. Thes e are, generally speaking bự be avoided. Sometimes I hear from readers who confess they are in the mood Khủng watch a really bad movie. If you’re sincere, be sure phệ know what you’re getting : A really bad movie. Movies that are ” so sánh bad they’re good ” should generally get two và a half stars. Two stars can be borderline. And Pauline Kael once wrote, ” The movies are so sánh rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash, we shouldn’t go at all. ”
” Just Go With It ” ( PG-13, 116 minutes ). This film’s story began as a French farce, became the Broadway hit ” Cactus Flower, ” was made into a 1969 film & now arrives gasping for breath in a witless retread with Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston & Brooklyn Decker. The characters are so sánh stupid it doesn’t seem nice lớn laugh at them. One star .
” Sanctum ” ( R, 109 minutes ). A terrifying adventure shown in an incompetent way. Scuba-diving cave explorers enter a vast system in New Guinea và are stranded. But this rich story opportunity is lost because of incoherent editing, poor 3D technique, & the effect of 3D dimming in the already dark an murky caves. A ” James Cameron Production, ” yes, but certainly not a ” James Cameron Film. ” One & a half stars
” I Am Number Four ” ( PG-13, 110 minutes ). Nine aliens from the planet Mogador travel across the galaxy béo take refuge on earth & rip off elements of the Twilight & Harry Potter movies, & combine them with senseless scenes of lethal Quidditch-like combat. Alex Pettyfer stars as Number Four, who feels hormonal about the pretty Sarah ( Dianna Agron ), although whether he is the brooding teenage Edward Cullen he seems bự be or a weird alien life khung I am not sure. Inane thiết đặt followed by endless và perplexing action. One & a half stars
” Certifiably Jonathan ” ( Unrated, 80 minutes ). Jonathan Winters deserves better than this. Jim Pasternak’s mockumentary is not merely a bad film, but a waste of an opportunity. Nearing 80, Winters is still active và funny, và deserves a real doc, not this messy failed attempt at satirizing–what ? Documentaries themselves ? Lame scenes involving an art show, a theft và the ” Museum of Modern Art ” fit awkwardly with cameos of too many other comics, who except for the funny Robin Williams seem bự be attending a testimonial. One star .
” The Green Hornet ” ( PG-13, 108 minutes ) An almost unendurable demonstration of a movie with nothing Khủng be about. Although it follows the rough storyline of previous versions of the tiêu đề, it neglects the construction of a plot engine phệ pull us through. There are pointless dialogue scenes going nowhere much too slowly, và then pointless action scenes going everywhere much too quickly. One star .
” The Nutcracker in 3 chiều ” ( PG, 107 minutes ) A train wreck of a movie, beginning with the idiotic idea of combining the Tchaikovsky classic with a fantasy conflict that seems inspired by the Holocaust. After little Mary ( Elle Fanning ) discovers her toy nutcracker can talk, he reveals himself as a captive prince & spirits her off bự a land where fascist storm troopers are snatching toys from the hands of children và burning them Khủng blot out the sun. I’m not making this up. Appalling. And forget about the 3 chiều, which is the dingiest & dimmest I’ve seen. One star
” I Spit on Your Grave ” ( Unrated ; for adults only. Running phút giây : 108 minutes ) Despicable remake of the despicable 1978 film ” I Spit On Your Grave. ” This one is more offensive, because it lingers lovingly và at greater length on realistic verbal, psychological & physical violence against the woman, & then reduces her ” revenge ” lớn cartoonish horror-flick impossibilities. Oh, và a mentally disabled boy is forced against his will Khủng perform a rape. Zero stars .
” Life As We Know It ” ( PG-13, 113 minutes ). When their best friends are killed in a crash, Holly and Messer ( Katherine Heigl & Josh Duhamel ) are appointed as joint custodians of their one-year-old, Sophie. Also, they have Khủng move into Sophie’s mansion. But Holly and Messer can’t stand one another. So what happens when they start trying Khủng raise Sophie. You’ll không bao giờ guess in a million years. Or maybe you will. One và a half stars
” Hatchet II ” ( Unrated, 85 minutes ). A gory homage phệ slasher films, which means it has its tongue in its cheek until the tongue is ripped out và the victims of a swamp man are sliced, diced, slashed, disemboweled, chainsawed & otherwise inconvenienced. One & a half stars
” The Last Airbender ” ( PG, 103 minutes ). An agonizing experience in every category I can think of & others still waiting mập be invented. Originally in 2 chiều, retrofitted in giả 3 chiều that makes this picture the dimmest I’ve seen in years. Bad casting, wooden dialogue, lousy special effects, incomprehensible plot, & boring, boring, boring. One-half of one star .
” The A-Team ” ( PG-13, 121 minutes ). an incomprehensible mess with the 1980 s ti vi show embedded within. at kết thúc two hours of Queasy-Cam anarchy it’s punishment. Same team, same types, same traits, mới nhất actors : Liam Neeson, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, ” Rampage ” Jackson, Patrick Wilson. One & a half stars
” Sex và the City 2 ” ( R, 146 minutes ). Comedy about flyweight bubbleheads living in a world where their defining chất lượng is consuming things. They gobble food, fashion, houses, husbands, children, & vitamins. Plot centers on marital discord between Carrie ( Sarah Jessica Parker ) & Mr. Big ( Chris Noth ), a purring, narcissistic, velvety idiot ? Later, the girls are menaced for immodest dress during a luxurious freebie in Abu Dhabi. Appalling. Sure bự be enjoyed by SATC fans. One star
” The Good Heart ” ( R, 98 minutes ). Oh. My. God. A story sopping wet with cornball sentimentalism, wrapped up in absurd melodrama, & telling a Rags béo Riches story with an ending that is truly shameless. That fine actor Brian Cox & that good actor Paul Dano & that angelic actress Isild Le Besco cast themselves on the sinking vessel of this story & go lao dốc with the ship. One & a half stars .
” Kick-Ass ” ( R, 117 minutes ). An 11 – year-old girl ( Chloe Grace Moretz ), her father ( Nicolas Cage ) & a high school kid ( Aaron Johnson ) try phệ become superheroes phệ fight an evil ganglord. There’s deadly carnage dished out by the child, after which an adult man brutally hammers her mập within an inc of her life. Blood everywhere. A comic book satire, they say. Sad, I say. One star
” Nightmare on Elm Street ” ( R, 95 minutes ). Teenagers are introduced, enjoy brief moments of happiness, are haunted by nightmares, và then slashed bự death by Freddy. So what ? One star
” The Bounty Hunter ” ( PG-13, 110 minutes ). An inconsequential formula comedy & a waste of the talents of Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler. He’s a bounty hunter, she’s skipped bail on a lượng truy cập charge, they were once married, và that’s the kết thúc of the movie’s original ideas. We’ve seen earlier versions of every single scene lớn the point of catatonia. Rating : One & a half stars .
” Cop Out ” ( R, 110 minutes ). An outstandingly bad cop movie, starring Bruce Willis & Tracy Morgan as partners who get suspended ( of course ) & then try bự redeem themselves by overthrowing a drug operation while searching for the valuable baseball thẻ Willis wants phệ sell Khủng pay for his daughter’s wedding. Morgan plays an unreasonable amount of giây phút dressed as a cell phone, considering there is nothing Khủng prevent him from taking it off. Kevin Smith, who directed, has had many, many better days. One và a half stars .
” The Lovely Bones ” ( PG-13 ). A deplorable film with this message : If you’re a 14 – year-old girl who has been brutally raped & murdered by a serial killer, you have a lot lớn look forward béo. You can get together in heaven with the other teenage victims of the same killer, & gaze xuống dốc in benevolence upon your family members as they realize what a wonderful person you were. Peter Jackson ( ” Lord of the Rings ” ) believes special effects can replace genuine emotion, & tricks up Alive Sebold’s well-regarded novel with gimcrack New Age fantasies. With, however, affective performances by Mark Wahlberg, Rachel Weisz, Susan Sarandon, Stanley Tucci và Saoirse Ronan as the victim. One star .
” The Spy Next Door ” ( PG, 92 minutes ). Jackie Chan is a Chinese-CIA double agent babysitting girl friend’s three kids as Russian mobsters attack. Uh, huh. Precisely what you’d expect from a PG-rated Jackie Chan comedy. If that’s what you’re looking for, you won’t be disappointed. It’s not what I was looking for. One và a half stars .
” Old Dogs ” ( PG, 88 minutes ). Stupefying dimwitted. John Travolta’s và Robin Williams ‘ agents weren’t perceptive enough béo smell the screenplay in its advanced state of decomposition. Seems lớn have lingered in post-production while editors struggled desperately bự inject laugh cues. Careens uneasily between fantasy & idiocy, the impenetrable & the crashingly ham-handed. Example : Rita Wilson gets her hand slammed by a oto trunk, và the sound track breaks into ” Big Girls Don’t Cry. ” When hey get their hands slammed in oto trunks, they bởi vì. One star. View the hé mở .
” Did You Hear About the Morgans ? ” ( PG-13, 103 minutes ). Feuding couple from Manhattan ( Hugh Grant và Jessica Sarah Parker ) are forced lớn flee town under Witness Protection Program, find themselves Fish Out of Water in Strange New World, meet Colorful Characters, survive Slapstick Adventures, kết thúc up Together at the End. The only part of that formula that still works is The End. With supporting roles for Sam Elliott and Wilford Brimley, sporting the two most famous mustaches in the movies. One và a half stars .
” The Twilight Saga : New Moon ” ( PG-13, 130 minutes ). The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent Khủng moan. The sequel béo ” Twilight ” ( 2008 ) is preoccupied with remember that film và setting up the third one. Sitting through this experience is lượt thích driving a tractor in low gear though a sullen sea of Brylcreem. Kristen Stewart và Robert Pattinson return in their original roles, she dewy và masochistic, he sullen & menacing. Ah, teenage romance ! One star
” The Boondock Saints II : All Saint’s Day “. ( R, 21 minutes ) Idiotic ode mập macho horseshite ( Khủng employ an ancient Irish word ). Distinguished by superb cinematography. The first film in 10 years from Troy Duffy, whose ” Boondock Saints ” ( 1999 ) has become a cult fetish. Sean Patrick Flanery và Norman Reedus are Irish brothers who return bự Boston for revenge và murder countless enemies in an incomprehensible story involving heavy metal cranked up béo 12 và lots of boozing, smoking, swearing và looking fierce và sweaty. One star. View the hé mở .
” Gentlemen Broncos “. ( PG-13, 107 minutes ) Michael Angarano plays Benjamin Purvis, a wannabe sci-fi Doctor Ronald Chevalier ( Jemaine Clement ). Alas. the great man rips off the kid’s book, just when get kid has sold the miniscule filming rights. All sorts of promising material from Jared Hess ( ” Napoleon Dynamite ” ), but it’s a clutter of jumbled continuity that doesn’t add up, despite the presence of Jennifer Coolidge. Two stars. View the lộ diện .
” The Fourth Kind “. ( PG-13, 98 minutes ). Nome, Alaska ( pop. 3,750 ) has so sánh many disappearances và / or alien abductions that the FBI has investigated there đôi mươi times more than in Anchorage. So it’s claimed by this pseudo-doc that goes mập inane lengths lớn appear factual. Milla Jovovich is good as a psychologist whose clients complain that owls stare at them in the middle of the night. One và a half stars. View the lộ diện .
21 và a Wakeup. ( R, 123 minutes ). A disjointed, overlong & unconvincing string of anecdotes centering around the personnel of an Army combat hospital in Vietnam. Amy Acker plays an idealistic nurse who is constantly reprimanded by absurdly hostile officer ( Faye Dunaway ). Plays lượt thích a series of unlikely anecdotes trundled onstage without much relationship phệ one another. One episode involves an unauthorized trip into Cambodia by a nurse và a civilian journalist ; it underwhelms. One và a half stars. Visit the trang web .
” Cirque de Freak : The Vampire’s Assistant “. ( PG-13, 108 minutes ) This movie includes good Vampires, evil Vampanese, a Wolf-Man, a Bearded Lady, a Monkey Girl with a long tail, a Snake Boy, a dwarf with a four-foot forehead & a spider the kích thước of your shoe, & they’re all boring as hell. They’re in a traveling side show that comes bự town và lures two insipid high school kids ( Josh Hutcherson và Chris Massoglia ) into a war between enemy vampire factions. Unbearable. With Joh C. Reilly, Salma Hayek, Ken Watanabe, Patrick Fugit, & other wasted talents. One star. View the lộ diện .
” Couples Retreat ” ( PG-13, 107 minutes ). Four troubled couples make a week’s retreat béo an island paradise where they hope lớn be healed, which indeed happens, according bự ages-old sitcom formulas. This material was old when it was mới ra. The jolly ending is agonizing in its step-by-step obligatory plotting. I didn’t care for any of the characters, và that’s about how much they seemed bự care for one another. Starring Daphne From Bridgerton
Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Faizon Love, Jon Favreau, Malin Akerman, Kristen Bell, Kristin Davis và Kali Hawk. Two stars. View the hé lộ .
” Fame. “. ( PG, 90 minutes ). A pale retread of the 1980 classic, lacking the power và emotion of the original. A group of hopeful kids enroll in the New York City School of the Performing Arts và struggle through four years bự find themselves. Their back stories are shallow, many seem too old & confident, the plot doesn’t engage them, & although individual performers lượt thích Naturi Naughton sparkle as a classical pianist who wants mập sing hip hop, the film is too superficial phệ make them convincing. Two stars. View the hé mở .
” All About Steve “. ( PG-13, 87 minutes ) Sandra Bullock plays Mary Horowitz, a crossword puzzle constructor who on a blind date falls insanely in love with Steve, a TV news cameraman ( Bradley Cooper, from ” The Hangover ” ). The operative trái đất is ” insanely. ” The movie is billed as a comedy but more resembles a perplexing public display of irrational behavior. Seeing her run around as a basket case makes you appreciate Lucille Ball, who could play a dizzy dame & make you lượt thích her. One và a half stars. View the lộ diện .
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